Take a mindboggling tour of Steven Gerrard’s reported Malibu-mansion-to-be

If you’re a regular, run-of-the-mill Major League Soccer player up to a pretty damn good Major League Soccer player, stop reading now, because this is going to be painful. If your last name is Dempsey, Altidore, Bradley or Giovinco, or people call you Kaká, feel free to continue.

Liverpool legend Steven Gerrard will be making his way to Los Angeles this summer. You already know that. (I said, stop reading!) But did you know that the Galaxy have reportedly offered Gerrard and his family a $20,000 per week ocean-view Malibu pad for the duration of his 18-month MLS stay? Yes, all expenses to be paid for by the Galaxy. And here’s the kicker: he doesn’t have to provide lodging to any of his teammates.

OK, that’s a terrible kicker. Here’s a better one: the house to be rented by the Gerrards was listed in early 2014 by … “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Yolanda Foster and her music-producing husband David Foster. Mr. Foster, if you must know, according to esteemed website of record Wikipedia, has produced award-winning artists such as Christina Aguilera, Andrea Bocelli, Toni Braxton, Michael Bublé, Chicago, Natalie Cole, Céline Dion, Jackie Evancho, Josh Groban, Whitney Houston, Jennifer Lopez, Seal, Rod Stewart, Barbra Streisand, and Westlife. I do not know what a Jackie Evancho is.

The custom-built Malibu home, which appeared frequently on Real Housewives, features 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms and 11,622 square feet. It’s fancy. Real fancy. So fancy, in fact, that the home’s fridge is so popular that it boasts its own twitter account, with 14,800 followers.

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Here’s a more in-depth description of the home:

Reminiscent of a romantic European villa, the 3-level, 6 br/9 ba family home features 12′ ceilings, recycled Bavarian walnut floors & walls of glass that open to bring the outdoors, inside. Perfect for entertaining, the home boasts spacious living and formal dining room; office/library; professional chef’s kitchen w/custom floor to ceiling glass refrigerator … infinity pool w/numerous outdoor sitting areas; orchards of citrus & avocado trees & 3-car garage.

That’s right. Orchards of citrus and avocado trees.

But enough of the words, you want pictures. Here are some photos of the soon-to-be-named Anfield Junior Manor on the Hill:


The entryway has plenty of room for the LA Galaxy II guys to park their bikes when coming by for an evening cookout.


And the evening view is to die for after a night on the town with the lads who can afford drinks.


Look. There’s a piano! Stevie G should ask his agent to ask the listing agent if the piano can stay, so that he can work toward becoming MLS Alexis Sanchez.


All of the Chicago Fire could live in this room — including Mike Magee — and they would all live happily.


Anfield Junior Manor on the Hill even has an old-fashioned pub so that Gerrard’s friends from England can come over, get drunk, and start bar fights within the relatively safety of Anfield Junior Manor on the Hill, away from the incorrigible LAPD.


If you are one of the aforementioned MLS players, who I warned to stop reading, by now it’s too late. You were warned. Now continue your pain and suffering, because there’s more:


Does Stevie G strike you as the reading type? Pretty sure this room gets transformed into a lad pad.


Other than the Gerrard vs. Carragher charity game this past weekend, remind me again why Gerrard is still in Liverpool and hasn’t moved to LA yet?


In case you thought that “orchards of citrus and avocado trees” was a lie.


Um … D.C. United could live in here. Bill Hamid would Instagram the hell out of this closet.


This is a goddamn luxurious 1 bd/1 ba condo in New York City. The rent on this in Manhattan is about $7,000 a month and has a doorman.


This is where the Galaxy will watch old Landon Donovan films.


OK, there’s a problem. Steven Gerrard is never going to leave his house. And if other non-Robbie Keane Galaxy players come over to play — particularly the youths — no one will ever find them again if they decide to hide and never go home to their regular young person civilian “homes.” The Galaxy aren’t trying to develop home-grown players just to lose them in Gerrard’s new Malibu pad.


You have just experienced high-level American soccer poshness. Hopefully.

According to the Daily Star, one Galaxy player’s wife said:

“Most weekends, especially in summer, we get together for drinks or a barbecue and we organise loads of girls’ nights out and family days.

“So Alex and the kids are never going to be lonely, even when Stevie is playing away with the team.

“I’m looking forward to attending the Gerrards’ first party once they’ve settled in.”

One Galaxy player’s wife, who is comfortable enough calling Gerrard’s wife “Alex.” Hmm. I’m not one to speculate but I’m pretty sure there’s only one Galaxy player whose wife would feel that comfortable throwing around Gerrard names like that. His name rhymes with Bobby Reane and he got married to his now-wife back when he was playing at … wait for it … Liverpool.

But that’s neither here nor there.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the tour of Anfield Junior Manor on the Hill. I hope the name sticks, and I also hope that whole manor transaction actually happens.

We’re all going to have a lot of fun when the Gerrards come to America.