Thing we learned today, but really just serves as confirmation because we already suspected it:
– Barcelona are the best team in the world.
ITS OVER AND BARCELONA WIN!
2-1 to Barcelona in a match that should have been 4-1 or 5-1. They absolutely crushed Real Madrid.
Luis Suarez and Rafinha are taking turns turning odd-numbered attacks into turnovers without making Real Madrid do anything. It’s pretty impressive.
Just some has-been, never-was.
Who is Ronaldo?
Those of you watching MLS instead of El Clasico, you just saw three Red Bulls players fall on top of each other.
Basically the same thing as Barcelona/Real Madrid.
Barcelona have beaten the piss out of Real Madrid. This isn’t even close, except on the scoreboard. But there’s no doubt who is better.
Did Ronaldo, Benzema and Bale leave the pitch? Haven’t seen them in a while.
Xavi is on for Iniesta. This is about to be a 5-yard pass fest.
The bus done parked.
On one hand, Bravo with a terrific save on Benzema’s curling shot. On the other hand, how dare you save one of Benzema’s shots?
Messi keeps putting the ball on his right foot. When will he get a left foot and become a good, well-rounded player?
Barcelona are subbing Rakitic off for Busquets.
This is their version of parking the bus. Jose Mourinho thinks that is a puny bus.
To escape more yellows, players are acting like other famous people. It’s getting crazy out there.
Lionel Messi gets free and has room to shoot from 20 yards, but misses the net. Washed up.
We’re up to 11 cards. Half of the players on the pitch have been cautioned.
Clasico! Clasico! Clasico!
He should red card his own anus.
This game is turning into a game where it’s almost certain that Mascherano will get a red card. But I love Javier playing on the edge.
Sometimes I think we forget that Javier Mascherano once tore his anus in a match so he’s tougher than all of us and pretty much indestructible.
Who says Route 1 soccer can’t be beautiful?
It was divine. He deserves to bite a few more people.
All deserved hatred aside, that first touch by Suarez to bring the ball down was a work of art. JFC.
no caps here because that is an affront to justice, but it is 2-1 to barcelona.
I can’t wait until Iniesta has gone completely bald, except for that one tuft of hair on the top of his head.
Maybe not. Neymar is The Karate Kid.
Carvajal just got handled by Neymar, left for dead. That has to hurt the ol’ self esteem.
“Gareth Bale almost scored” will be the title of this season’s Real Madrid DVD
This is a stats-free zone.
Clasicos always go by way too damn fast. It’s like they don’t even happen. Thankfully, there are 20-30 of them every year.
It’s halftime, even though it feels like the match started about five minutes ago. That half FLEW by.
1-1 at the break, Ronaldo, Modric and Benzy are gods.
I think Gareth Bale is the greatest troll on Earth and has made Real Madrid fans his target.
Cruel, but amazing.
Real Madrid can go public after this, though. Marcelo forever.
How do Barcelona even go out in public after this?
The first pass by Modric is beautiful and it’s completely overlooked because Benzy made magic happen.
That assist …
Perfect counterattack that is capped by a great Modric ball, Benzema backheel and Ronaldo finish. SO. DAMN. GOOD.
This match is sex.
Who’s taking over as the beIN analyst after Ray Hudson has an aneurysm in the booth. Me or you?
Ramos got beat for a goal, Pepe got a card and Suarez just put his studs in Pepe’s calf. This is beautiful.
We’re a 40-yard Ronaldo shot away from Ferguson throwing a shoe at him.
Cristiano with a few juggles on the far sideline. My thoughts:
Party on, Barca.
Pepe with a yellow card.
EVERYTHING IS GOING PERFECTLY IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE.
Wow, phenomenal header to score off the set piece. Most importantly, Sergio Ramos got beat on that so we can all enjoy it.
Young Cristiano would have taken his shirt off in celebraton before he even shot it.
Ditto from the earlier Cristiano chance off the crossbar. Young Cristiano would’ve finished that.
Neymar plays a perfect ball to Messi, who misses.
The old, not-washed up Messi scores that. Neymar is showing us what Messi used to be.
Hey, remember when Real Madrid had a tough choice between Benzema and Higuain?
I think they made the right choice.
Game summary: Real Madrid’s Carlo Ancelotti needs more fiber.
Tactically, this is a bit naive from Barcelona. Iniesta needs to be on the field and not laying down. Sadly, this was a result of being stepped on by Carvajal. Things will get better.
Suarez and Ramos fight for the ball. Can the ball be filled with fireworks that burns them both?
How good would El Clasico be if all of these poor shooting, poor decision-making, possibly drunk American basketball players in the NCAA Tournament were Spanish and played for Real Madrid and Barcelona?
We can root for chaos, a few red cards, and the fall of Cristiano and Messi.
We can also root for beauty.
Neither Barcelona nor Real Madrid have a mascot. Can we really root for either?
Atmosphere out there at Camp Nou:
He once dated Anna Kournikova. That makes him sports.
Time to cancel the Clasico. We’ve reached breaking point.
People are not feeling Neymar’s haircut:
But other things, they like:
Let us consider some other stats:
Cristiano Ronaldo – +100 washed ups
Lionel Messi – +100 washed ups
Numbers don’t lie.
1. Sergio Ramos will smack someone.
2. Luis Suarez will act as if he didn’t do something.
3 Neymar will never apologize for his hair, as he shouldn’t
4. Steven Gerrard Pique will try to get sent off.
5. Cristiano Ronaldo will take his shirt off.
6. Pep Guardiola will take over from Luis Enrique and put on Xavi. Because nostalgia.
7. Javier Mascherano will channel his World Cup and almost rip his anus trying hard.
People like stats, right? Some people, at least. Here are the ones people will probably want to contemplate, even though they have no bearing on what’s going to happen today. This is for the people.
Bruno Mars looks like he’s dressing up as Bruno Mars for a costume party.
Neymar looks like he’s dressing up as Bruno Mars for a costume party.
beIN had Chad Ochocinco-Johnson on the pregame to day. He was discussing things but I wasn’t really listening.
We need to stop letting players dress themselves.
Thing to watch for today: Ronaldo and Messi are only about 50x better than the rest of the world now, not 100x like before.
Translation: Ronaldo and Messi are washed up.
Real Madrid still doesn’t have a defensive midfielder and James is still hurt. Oh, and Iker Casillas is still their goalkeeper. Oops.
Positives: Ronaldo and Bale (yeah, he’s still good).
Sergio Busquets has been cleared to play today, but he’s only on the bench. That means Javier Mascherano in the midfield (swoon).
It’s the biggest match on Earth. It’s Ronaldo vs. Messi. It’s a narrative fest.
It’s El Clasico.