Live blog, UEFA Champions League: Arsenal’s out; Atlético survives penalties

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Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20153:33 pm

THE CHAAAAAAAAMPIONSSSS!

No, not you, Arsenal. You got the dream draw of Monaco and are still looking set to go out at the round of 16 again after losing 3-1 at home in the first leg.

But hey, Alexis Sanchez, Mesut Özil, Santi Cazorla and Danny Welbeck give them a chance to pull off the comeback. Plus, UEFA may even give them an extra goal because Olivier Giroud is so handsome.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20153:34 pm

Stop the hate, Ryan.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20153:35 pm

If Atletico Madrid are going to make it back to the final, they’re going to do it coming from behind after losing 1-0 in their first leg against Bayer Leverkusen.

Maybe Diego Simeone can frighten Bayer off the pitch and into a forfeit?

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20153:37 pm

I can’t emphasize enough how much this doesn’t matter to me. It also doesn’t matter to reality. Also, 49 goals and both sides go through.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20153:40 pm

Big up to stadiums with tracks. Monaco can afford better.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20153:47 pm

Like you care about stadiums and tracks in Monaco. You have way cooler things to think about, and spend your money on. Big ups to Monaco for even recognizing the sport among so many distractions.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20153:49 pm

Alexis Sanchez defending:

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20153:49 pm

If I lived in Monaco, I’d change my first name to “Playboy” and carry around a briefcase of money handcuffed to my wrist.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20153:50 pm

You just figured out the only way to not get laid in Monaco.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20153:51 pm

Not in it for that, Ryan. I’m in it for the art.

Meanwhile in Monaco …

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20153:55 pm

I’m interested in Ospina as Arsenal’s #1. Szczesny won’t be able to handle not being the man for much longer. If this continues, I sense mutiny and a future at Southampton or Hull.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20153:56 pm

The internet is evil.

https://twitter.com/Heisenbergkamp/status/577921357457002496

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20153:59 pm

Bayer Leverkusen are trying overhead kicks, no-look flicks and backheels while protecting a 1-0 lead away. They are magnificent.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:01 pm

We’re in the middle of the plotting phase of Arsenal-Monaco. Also known as the “feeling each other out” part, or the “getting to know each other” phase, or “the first date.”

Giroud almost gets on the end of a cross, but his header goes wide. So he prays, asking for strength and hair longevity.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:03 pm

I hope Fox has a siren ready for whenever Hakan Calhanoglu gets a free kick.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:05 pm

Or a piñata.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:05 pm

They can use the one Arsenal have for the party they want to throw after signing him this summer. It’s not like the Gunners will need it.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:07 pm

Atletico Madrid have had to make a goalkeeper sub after 21 minutes because Moya is hurt.

So Atleti are now:

– Down a goal
– Down a sub
– Using their backup goalkeeper

That’s fun.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:08 pm

OFF THE BAR FOR LAWRENCE (YUP) KOSCIELNY!!!

HE’S OFFSIDE BUT THAT DISTRACTS FROM THE IMPACT OF THESE ALL CAPS.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:09 pm

Arsenal can’t even find the net when it doesn’t count. How confident are you feeling over there?

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:09 pm

Arsenal by 20.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:11 pm

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:12 pm

This is something that fascinates me: the frequency of close, close, close-ups we get of Arsene during every game. This is an area that’s ripe for research.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:12 pm

ATLETICO SCORE!

Bayer only clear a free kick to the edge of the box and the ensuing shot takes a deflection. It’s 1-1 with Bayer.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:13 pm

Keys to the match in Madrid:

– Set pieces
That is the only key and Atleti are getting more of them right now.
Alexi Lalas has never loved a match so much.
Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:13 pm

Keys to the match in Madrid:

– Set pieces

That is the only key and Atleti are getting more of them right now.

Alexi Lalas has never loved a match so much.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:14 pm

You mean Alexi Lalas, the greatest American soccer personality of all time?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:14 pm

The very same. Although I think he prefers to be called “Set Pieces.”

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:15 pm

SIDENOTE: This is why Arsenal sold him.

https://twitter.com/IAMFRIMPONG26/status/577925682031935490

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:16 pm

Arsenal deserve to lose for not sending Gunnersaurus to Monaco

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:17 pm

Arsenal deserve to lose for not sending Gunnersaurus to Monaco

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:19 pm

Can’t really argue with that. Arsenal has had the vast majority of possession, but know very well that you can’t exchange possession for goals at Thomas Cook. Or can you?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:19 pm

More set pieces for Atleti.

STOP DOING THIS, BAYER.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:20 pm

ARSENAL SCORE!

You know the saying, “Give Olivier Giroud 10 chances, he’ll definitely score 1.”

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:21 pm

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:23 pm

So it’s 1-0 now to Arsenal, but 3-2 to Monaco on aggregate and Monaco lead 3-1 on away goals. In short, Arsenal need a lot more.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:24 pm

Top 3 French people:

1. Olivier Giroud
2. Olivier Giroud
3. Dimitar Berbatov, if he was French.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:24 pm

You need to edit that to “Top 3 French people not named Paul Pogba.”

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:28 pm

Alexis Sanchez got clipped, then went to the ground and was booked for diving.

It would have been a penalty if Gunnersaurus was in the building.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:29 pm

Some nice extension on this yellow card delivery.

Also, live blog of a day in the life of Gunnersaurus.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:29 pm

For context:

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:30 pm

I see your Pogba. I’m going to talk to the judges.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:32 pm

It’s halftime in Monaco, where Arsenal lead the match 1-0, but trail 3-2 on aggregate.

Unfortunately, we do not have a camera on Miriti to document his suffering.
Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:33 pm

Nobody knows what a principality is.

In other news, I hope Arsene discusses this at halftime.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:34 pm

Is Berbatov even out there? I’m going to regret writing that.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:35 pm

Even Arsenal don’t know what a principality is.

Also, does Jack Wilshere run their Twitter account?

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:36 pm

That font(s) is killing my eyes.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:36 pm

Jack Wilshere’s fingers are probably injured.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:46 pm

STATS N THANGS:

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:47 pm

Second halves are upon thee.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:48 pm

Does this make sense?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:49 pm

Piers put together a real English word and for that I think we should be proud of him.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:51 pm

I’ll see if I can do that …

No, sorry, I can’t.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:53 pm

Talk to these people when you finish giving Subašić the talk, Olivier.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:53 pm

What kind of food do they eat in Monaco? Is it generally French or are they influenced from elsewhere? 

This is important because I need to know what fuels the people who make Arsenal cry.
Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:53 pm

They eat fake monarchy, I believe. It tastes like chicken.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:54 pm

You’re becoming bitter. It’s delicious.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:57 pm

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20154:58 pm

If Monaco score now, and they almost did, this game will be filled with so much boredom.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:58 pm

Look at all the people around U2. None of them care. They probably don’t even recognize them. Monaco is a great place.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20154:59 pm

If Monaco score then we stop watching the match and start watching Piers Morgan’s Twitter.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:00 pm

Yes. And pictures of Arsene. Monaco pouring on the pressure right now. This ambition is making me anxious.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:02 pm

Alexis Sanchez is nearing on getting his second yellow card. And let’s be honest, why should he stick around and keep playing? Get to the casino yachts.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:03 pm

Might as well pull the goalkeeper.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:04 pm

Arsenal have a goalkeeper?

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:05 pm

Manuel Almunia’s his name.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:06 pm

North London’s hair dye business is alive and well then.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:09 pm

At least North Londoners are real people. These people probably aren’t even real Monicans, Mohicans, Monacoians?

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:10 pm

Just putting my evidence in here.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:10 pm

They are Monacans. And no, they are not real.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:12 pm

Jardim is really taking off Berbatov, as if Moutinho is enough of a reason for us to keep watching.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:13 pm

No wonder Berba’s giving the side-eye.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:14 pm

Berba has had enough soccer. He has places to be.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:15 pm

Why is Berbatov the greatest non-Zlatan in Ligue 1?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:18 pm

Do we know anyone that has a TV channel? Because that TV channel should do a Berba reality show.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:19 pm

I’ll make some calls. Might know someone at OWN or VH1.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:19 pm

Alexis Sanchez is going to get two yellows for diving. What a feat that will be.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:21 pm

ARSENAL SCORE!

It’s appropriate that Aaron Ramsey does it. A player from a fake country scores in a fake country.
Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:21 pm

Arsenal now lead 2-0 and are level on aggregate at 3-3. Unfortunately for them, Monaco have the edge in away goals so the Gunners have 10 minutes to score another or go out.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:23 pm

I’m really into them showing this shot after Arsenal scored.

Bono’s going to write a song about this after the final whistle.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:23 pm

And Apple is going to put it on all of our iPhones. Thanks, Steve Jobs.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:25 pm

Aaron Ramsey’s goal. Putting this here for evidence.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:25 pm

MONACO SAVE IT RIGHT ON THE LINE!

It would have gone in if Gunnersaurus was there.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:26 pm

Over in Madrid, Diego Simeone is frightening the crowd into cheering. They all do, for they are wise people who value their lives.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:28 pm

How did this happen?

Why did we allow this to reach this point?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:30 pm

Probably around the time you lost a cup final to Birmingham.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:31 pm

Why all the hate, Ryan. I’m a human, just like you (maybe).

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:31 pm

I’m a Monacan. I’m not human.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:32 pm

I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:32 pm

We’re into stoppage time. Arsenal have five minutes to preserve Miriti’s sanity.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:34 pm

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:34 pm

Three minutes left and the Monacans are going crazy, having just remembered they have a team.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:35 pm

Two minutes left. Miriti is weeping.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:36 pm

I’m dying.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:37 pm

This man has to go.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:37 pm

MONACO HAVE DONE IT! ARSENAL ARE DONE!

2-0 to Arsenal today, 3-3 on aggregate, Monaco go to the quarterfinals on away goals.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:38 pm

The Gunners lost it when they left this man at home.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:39 pm

THE HAVE FORSAKEN ME.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:41 pm

How you doing, Miriti?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:44 pm

Meanwhile in Madrid … EXTRA TIIIIIIME!

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:45 pm

I’m doing surprisingly well, considering Arsenal will be in this same position next year because the club loves tradition.

Miriti Murungi March 17, 20155:45 pm

Are we all Diego Simeone now?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:46 pm

I like to believe that the world is full of non-murderers, so no.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:49 pm

The audio on the TV feed for this match is phenomenal. They managed to make the Calderon sound quiet and dull.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:51 pm

The announcers are criticizing Raul Garcia for diving, which I might believe if he didn’t have blood on his face.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20155:57 pm

Running for 90 minutes sounds like a sure-fire way to have a heart attack. Isn’t 120 minutes inhumane?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:01 pm

What if Fernando Torres scores the winner? He has experience doing so…

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:05 pm

Arda Turan is dancing around Bayer. Spins, nutmegs, flicks. It’s magical.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:08 pm

Let’s check in on Diego Simeone.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:11 pm

You don’t even need to know how to spell Jermaine Jenas’ name to make fun of Arsenal.

https://twitter.com/Billie_T/status/577952786618388481

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:20 pm

PENALTIEEEEESSSS!

Find your nearest Bayer or Atletico fan and watch them vomit.
Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:23 pm

Remember, Moya was injured early on and had to be subbed off so Atleti have backup goalkeeper Oblak in.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:24 pm

Garcia starts pens by hitting his way over the bar. Nice start!

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:25 pm

Calhanoglu hits a terrible penalty and it’s saved. Your five-year-old nephew could take better pens.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:28 pm

Three rounds down, Atletico lead 2-1. Draaaamaaaaa.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:29 pm

Leno with a great save and Castto scores. 2-2 after four rounds.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:29 pm

FERNANDO TORRES CAN EVEN TAKE A PERFECT PENALTY NOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:30 pm

ATLETICO GO THROUGH!

With Atleti up 3-2 and Bayer down to their last kick, Kiessling blasts his shot over the net to send the Calderon wild.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:32 pm

Atletico Madrid and Monaco are going to the quarterfinals at the expense of Bayer and Arsenal. Here’s what we learned today:

– Arsenal are still Arsenal
– Monaco is a principality
– Arsenal would have won if they sent Gunnersaurus
– Berbatov is still perfect
– Diego Simeone’s devil magic is so real
– Fernando Torres is still shockingly competent
– Bayer will cry their lives away
Ryan Rosenblatt March 17, 20156:32 pm

Have a #blessed day

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