The life and times of Lord Nicklas Bendtner

Nicklas Bendtner might well be one of our solar system’s most interesting soccer players. Not on the field, obviously; he’s basically a lumbering giant with a woeful scoring record who moves at the speed of continental drift.

But off it? Rarely a dull moment with the cocksure 27-year-old Dane, who’s now at Wolfsburg after nine years at Arsenal, many of which seemed to be characterized by the club vainly attempting to get rid of him.

There was his relationship with the mother of his child, Caroline Luel-Brockdorff, an ultra-wealthy, castle-owning member of the Danish royal family who was previously married to the nephew of James Bond creator Ian Fleming.

His arrest on suspicion of going on a car-wrecking spree in Newcastle city center, while a player with Sunderland.

His police caution for criminal damage to a swimming-pool door in his apartment block.

His alleged Copenhagen pants-rubbing taxi incident, in which a cab driver contended that Bendtner “stood at the back of the car and rubbed up against the side window after unbuttoning his pants while he whipped the cab with his belt and shouted he wanted to ‘fuck me’”.

His $120,000 UEFA fine and one-match ban for exposing a pair of sponsored underpants during a Euro 2012 match.

Now a PR-stunting Danish magazine has bought Bendtner a square foot of land in Scotland, which supposedly means he’s now entitled to be called “Lord Bendtner” – a nickname given to him by fans paying tribute to his habitual self-aggrandizement.

It’s pretty weak stuff, especially when compared with the status of actual Lord and former Liverpool striker Djibril Cissé, who’s currently in Ligue 1 with Bastia.

In 2005, Cissé bought a mansion near Liverpool that came with the title, Lord of the Manor of Frodsham. According to the Independent, the title was used in the fourth century by Edward the Black Prince, and one of his first acts was to ban fox hunting on his land.