The War on WAGs

The biggest threat to the World Cup is not Brazilian protestors, FIFA greed, or shoddy infrastructure—it’s women, at least according to the English press

The wives and girlfriends of the world’s elite soccer players are about to descend on Brazil, eyes asparkle with the unmistakable glint of women plotting to destroy something we menfolk hold dear.

The tabloids of Great Britain will cover these ladies as though they’re the ones down on the field, losing for England. And the tabloids are on the right track, because the WAGs constitute a threat, not just to on-field performance but to the very survival of the game we love. Think about it: before the rise of WAG culture, was soccer beset by melodrama, vanity, copious materialism, TV money, egotism, financial bankruptcy, and exploitative labor practices? No. It had existed in a state of unimpeachable moral purity for more than a century. Silly as it may sound, WAGs collectively pose a bigger danger to “proper football” than neon cleats, oil money, and Sepp Blatter combined.

But it isn’t just the purity of the game that is under attack. Left to their own devices, cells of women trained at camps in remote areas of Wagistan have demonstrated the ability to infiltrate circles of elite soccer players and stage explosive uprisings in otherwise peaceful nightclubs, hotel penthouses, and stadiums. Sensible articles in the English press routinely highlight the terror they sew in the soccer world, but have so far been unable to curb their ability to operate. In fact, over the years, the WAG threat has grown, expanding to regions that were previously void of WAGtivity.

The First Editions Of The Sun On Sunday Hit The NewstandsRio Ferdinand’s WAG Attack Shows England Progress Under Capello —Daily Mirror headline, 2008

We can combat this peril, but first we must know the enemy.

The enemy is Coleen Rooney. She is Alex Gerrard and Kimberley Crew and newcomer Jourdan Dunn. The enemy typically presents herself as an upstanding member of society, your run of the mill sister, daughter, dried up pop star, gossip columnist, or sometime fashion model. In a matter of weeks, these seemingly benign agents will infiltrate Brazil disguised as supportive partners, but don’t be mistaken: there’s nothing supportive about sabotaging all the hard work done by simple, honest, God-fearing men like Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, Joe Hart, and Daniel Sturridge (respectively).

Managers have had to contend with the deleterious effects of women commingling with their players for decades. The night before the 1974 World Cup final, Johann Cruyff allegedly spent the whole night on the phone with his wife, explaining away newspaper reports that he and several of his teammates had been caught skinny dipping with some other, equally dastardly women at the team hotel. The Netherlands lost that final.

In 1986, Argentina manager Carlos Bilardo told his players they could have sex during the tournament “as long as the woman does all the hard work.” Bilardo, a former gynecologist, clearly knew that his men could withstand that kind of sex, because Argentina went on to win the World Cup.

The lesson? Female threats must be understood, neutralized, and contained. Otherwise, these weapons of pass destruction (WPDs) will annihilate the world’s fifth most populous country, myriad national hopes, and our children’s future, all while batting their eyelashes.

And yet, despite history’s warning signs, many modern managers seem to ignore this lesson. Two decades after Bilardo showed how to make the women work for the team, England’s WAGs staged a devastating attack, very likely costing their country the World Cup. It was 2006, and the most famous group of WAGs ever assembled—led by Cheryl Cole, Victoria Beckham, and Coleen Rooney—descended on Baden Baden, Germany, the English team’s base camp for that year’s World Cup.

The First Editions Of The Sun On Sunday Hit The NewstandsThe Village Destroyed by WAGS
Daily Mail headline, 2010

While England’s heroes steeled themselves for battle, their WAGs rampaged through the streets of the upscale spa town, depleting the local vodka supply, uprooting trees, and destroying private property. Two nights before England’s Round of 16 match against Ecuador, Coleen climbed onto a tabletop at Garibaldi—ominously named after one of her more famous insurgent forebears—and led her cell in passionate renditions of songs such as “There’s Only One Wayne Rooney.” Her faithful husband Wayne was in bed, of course, visualizing success. Prior to calling it a night, Coleen told a Daily Mirror reporter that she and her cohort were “like everyone on the trip—we want to do all we can to help England win the World Cup.” Right. In the quarterfinals, Coleen’s jinx and the depraved acts of England’s WAG insurgents finally took their toll: Wayne was sent off against Portugal and England went home.

Four years later, Spain’s run to the World Cup final was nearly ruined in the very first game. You probably know that Switzerland beat the eventual champion, but did you know a WAG was at fault? Sara Carbonero, a TV reporter for Spain’s Telecinco, officially became a WAG early in 2010, when she began dating Spanish goalkeeper Iker Casillas. That summer, Carbonero was assigned to sideline reporting duty for Spain’s World Cup games, a job that provided her with the perfect cover for disrupting Spain’s chances.

Spain’s first match against Switzerland was supposed to be a formality—that is, until Carbonero showed up prior to the match and began filming behind the goal where Casillas was warming up. Spain ended up losing 1–0, with Casillas contributing to the goal by coming off of his line too quickly and, his mind clearly elsewhere, mistiming his tackle on Switzerland’s Gelson Fernandes. Many Spaniards, as reported by the always reliable English media, were aware that WAG treachery was likely afoot, and were rightly concerned that Carbonero’s presence was, at minimum, an unnecessary distraction, but, more likely, a purposeful act of aggression.

Carbonero continued to work throughout the tournament and Spain never lost again, which is a testament to Casillas’s experience as a 10-year starter for Spain and Real Madrid. A less experienced goalkeeper would likely have succumbed to his sideline-reporter-girlfriend’s nefarious plot to undermine Spanish soccer.

Nowadays, managers must be both tactically astute and ever more tactful in their dealings with the opposite sex. Protecting players from the pitfalls of WAG warfare is serious business. Managers give WAG briefings to the media prior to World Cups, sharing updates about how they plan to handle their inevitable disruptions. In other words, managers must prepare to defend attacks on two fronts: one from opposing teams, and one from inside, from their very own WAGs.

So what can we, the fans, do to help guard against this threat? Tighter regulation is necessary. It’s imperative that you push your legislators to support and fund anti-WAG initiatives such as universal curfews, wiretapping rights for boyfriends, husbands, and law enforcement agencies, and a new minimum-WAG tax. But all options have to be on the table, from legislative solutions and diplomatic pressure to WAG embargoes and, if need be, unilateral military intervention. We must send a clear message that we do not, by any means, negotiate with WAGs.

But systemic change takes time. For now, if you don’t want the World Cup ruined by the latest generation of serial shopping, table-dancing harlots, we must stay vigilant. We must hold hands and sing songs. We could sew a quilt or make a #hashtag. Maybe even #twohashtags if we’re serious.

Throughout the World Cup, I will be monitoring the media’s WAG coverage, periodically reporting back on enemy movements and on the preparations of honest and freedom-loving people everywhere to prevent this scourge from taking hold permanantly. As long as the British tabloid press stays on this beat, as they have done diligently in the past, and we, the WAG-fearing people, organize, prepare to sacrifice, and stand together against these threats in four-inch heels, we will emerge from the War on WAGs as victors.

FIND FUSION

Here’s where you can catch us on TV:

Want to know what’s on right now? Head over to our show lineup page.

WHERE TO WATCH